Is it true... ?

I awoke this morning with things weighing heavily on my mind. No matter how long I think it over I keep coming back to the same question. I guess it finally got to me last night not long after I found out but I refuse to believe its true. I'm not sure what's next, sorta like the old Bob Seeger song says:

I woke last night to the sound of thunder
How far off I sat and wondered
Started humming a song from 1962
Ain't it funny how the night moves
When you just don't seem to have as much to lose....

Yeah, that's me... not much to lose......

I know that friendships have ceased due to less important questions but I am haunted so with needing to know the truth that I have to have an answer from you. I am certain that you must realize my feelings for you by now and know that I would never say or do anything to intentionally hurt you. I cannot know if you really feel the same since you keep your feelings bottled up so and rarely let me see the true emotion you are experiencing, and now, this. If it's true it could change everything  I have to ask, the answer means everything to me. You could literally change my whole world with a yes or no.

All I ask is that if you feel you cannot reveal the truth, that one day you will forgive me for putting you in this position and that we can at least remain friends, if not then I hope you will come to realize that I had only the best of intentions and please, please keep this between us. I simply could not bear for anyone else to know.  If you feel as though you cannot face the truth and do not want the burden of having to answer perhaps you should stop reading now.

Still reading? Maybe the answer to the question below will destroy us both. Pehaps it could result in a change that neither of us could face or handle or maybe you have already stopped reading and perhaps we will never know. Or maybe I have it all wrong and none of this means a rat's ass to you at all, OR, perhaps you feel as I do and the answer is just waiting to leap out and escape from your lips.

Since I really have nothing else to lose either way, I'd rather face the truth. If I just can't handle the answer ...well I have been headed down a destructive path with no return for a long time. Don't blame yourself especially if you know its not what I want to hear. It really is not your fault. Just be aware that I deeply care and if the answer is true, I will still forgive you for everything I have heard. Whichever the case, there is no escape, no turning back I have to know the answer.... Is it true that mickey mouse is really mickey rat?

FISH ON!!! Getting Hooked

It was late July in Biloxi, and our small band of land lubbers had arisen early, 4a.m., to have breakfast at a local hash house and head off for a day of fun, sun, and charter fishing or so we hoped. It was something that none of us had ever done before. Heading out the motel door, all of us were somewhat anxious. The air was heavy and humid, lightning was striking in the direction of the gulf and light rain was beginning to develop. Breakfast was somewhat somber and optimism was low. We talked about the "correct" breakfast to have in the event of being seasick, assuming we would even get on the water.

After breakfast and of course my favorite Community coffee, we made our way to the dock where our boat and Captain awaited. The Captain was busy giving the boat a thorough check. It was nearly 6 a.m. and though the skies did not look promising the weather forecast was more to our liking. According to the weatherman, the front was blowing inland away from the gulf and should clear within the hour with better skies the rest of the day or at least until late afternoon. The captain said his only concern was a thunderstorm to the east near Mobile and what it might do. We all made our introductions and huddled around some picnic tables on the dock, having another cup of CC, eagerly waiting for the Captain's decision and listening to other locals expressing their concerns. They too were wrestling with whether or not to head out into the big water, risking the onslaught of storms and high seas or stay close to the confines of the harbor and the shelter of land.

Around 7a.m. the Captain and the deckhand, Matt gathered us up and had us board the boat. The weather had broken and the whole front was pushing inland. Although the skies were still overcast, clouds were breaking and the seas were calm and there was virtually no wind. Our trip was a go!

Our Captain,  Captain James we called him, was ex-coast guard and licensed and certified for much bigger vessels than the boat we were taking out. The boat was a 3310 Proline. A thirty-three-foot boat with a forward cabin, that included a galley, marine head, a flying bridge, and air conditioning. It sported two inboard diesels and was considered one of the fastest boats on the Mississippi Gulf Coast. I believe it. The Captain was a seasoned veteran with a love for water and charter fishing. It makes a real difference to go with someone you like, and with his easygoing wit, we all took to the Captain very quickly. The deckhand, Matt, was much younger than any of us but like the Captain, had a great sense of humor. As I later found out, Matt had pretty much been raised around boats and knew much about saltwater fishing. He was also a very hard worker. I know that I would never have been able to keep up with the pace he set in that humid July heat.


The first order of business was introduction and information. We all gathered around aft as the Captain gave us an indoctrination of the boat, what to expect, answered questions, and explained the rules:

Rule 1. - Safety First. This was crucial above all else and he explained what all that encompassed.

Rule 2. - Have fun. That's why we were here, and what it's all about.
Rule 3. - The Captain never gets wet!

Finally, we were off! It started with a long but pleasant boat ride. The sky was somewhat overcast so the heat was never a problem. The smell of salt water, as the wind blew through my hair and the surf splashed the sides of the boat, just served to heighten the anticipation of catching big fish. The captain was taking us far out into the gulf in the direction of the Chandeleur Islands off the coast of Louisiana and Mississippi. The biggest challenge in blue water fishing is " finding the fish ". As it turns out though, the captain had no problem doing that. Eventually, he came to a stop, explained that we were about to start trolling, and with luck, the fishing would commence. We were miles from anywhere or anything. All you could see as far as the horizon was water and more water, and occasionally an oil rig. Matt rigged the poles, put the lines in the water, and away we went at a slow pace.

I had just opened a bottle of cold water and was taking a drink when it happened. "FISH ON!" Matt hollered. I saw one of the poles twitch and shake as he grabbed for it and handed it to one of us. We took turns as much as possible in stepping up to reel in the fish or fight them as the case may be. The fishing was nearly non-stop most of the day. At many times during the day, we were literally busier than the one-legged man in a butt-kicking contest. As soon as we could reel one in and get the line back in the water, we would have another one hit. What Fun! I was mesmerized and, pardon the expression, "hooked". Catfishing would never seem the same after this. I never caught so many fish, so many big fish, so fast, in such a short time, ever, and was not likely to again. If you have never gone charter fishing, or have never been much of a fisherman but would like to try, this is the trip to take.

During the trip, while trolling, we all took turns visiting the Captain up on the flying bridge and getting a feel for riding on the bridge, the view, and how to spot the schools of fish that the mackerel were feeding on, which in turn led to where we would troll. Primarily we were fishing for Spanish and King mackerel and we caught some nice ones. Although we did not catch any records or "trophies" it was a blast! Most of us caught the "biggest fish" we had ever caught. I happened to get luckier than the rest of the group and towards the end of the trip landed a bonito. What a fight! At the time it was the biggest and prettiest fish I had ever caught, and definitely the most fight I ever got from a fish. I was really excited and thought that nothing could top this. I was wrong! A very short time later, being the only one not to have caught a "big King", I was getting preference to being handed the pole, when we would get a strike. (My thanks to all the others on the trip for giving me this opportunity). I was handed a pole that was bending nearly in half. What a fight! I was not sure who was going to win, the fish or me. At times I thought I was going in or going to lose the pole. Suddenly, it stopped, and felt like I lost him. I pulled and reeled and I knew he was gone. Just as I was going to pass the rod off, Wham! He took off again and the fight was on for another round. For a while, those around thought it may be a yellowfin tuna. From the boat, looking into the water they could make out a "good-sized fish" with yellow or amber markings. I don't know how long I struggled but I finally landed him. It was a Jack Crevalle! He was full of fight right up to the end. I was exhausted. I had just landed the bonito and turned right around and battled with this Jack Crevalle. I was extremely happy and proud, not to mention exhausted. We were done and started back for shore. I had a fishing memory and story that would last me for some time to come.

The sky began to turn overcast and grew darker the closer we got to land. It was not looking good. As we approached, a few miles offshore the lightning started and a light drizzle began. The boat stopped and the Captain came down from the flying bridge. He laughed as he told us we were breaking rule number three. The Captain was getting wet! We all laughed. It was the middle of the afternoon and we had just made it back to the dock. Everyone was safely ashore when the storm broke. Thunder, lightning, and rain as heavy as I have ever seen it. What luck. What a day. You could not have planned a better trip. As we waited for Matt to finish filleting the fish, the storm served to "air condition" the dock as we relaxed and had some Community Coffee I told them in this day and time there were few chances for me to feel like a kid again but this day was one of them. We took our limit of fish, we were safe and we had a lot of fun, however, we did violate rule number three. (GRIN!)

This story took place a few years ago prior to the passing of my father who sponsored the trip. Thanks, Dad

Don Magee Sr. 04/1933 - 07/2007

Just ducky....

As I survey my surroundings, I take a long drink of the cool clear water in the bottle, cold as ice and very refreshing...O'l Sol blazes away in the sky, heating up another bright sunny day to inferno like conditions. The humidity makes it even worse. The mercury already boiling up past a hundred and the heat index around 112. No breeze, not a cloud in the sky, just the brilliant, blistering, white hot sun that seems to have lulled everything to sleep... except the cicadas. The buzzing of the "heat bugs" just seems to help serenade the heat stressed masses to slumber. As the day bakes on with no relief in sight the weatherman drones on about heat records, above average number of days of hundred degree heat, humidity index and heat advisories. Even a swimming pool is uninviting in this oven. The temperature far exceeding the ability of most systems to cool the water. The air conditioners in the neighborhood run non stop and add to the white noise drone that fries your senses and leaves you mindless like a zombie with nothing to do. So what do zombies think about? They think about zombified things...

As the sweat rolls down my body I contemplate the heat, the misery and the prospect of becoming homeless and destitute. Down and out... like the old song says "Nobody knows you when you're down and out" although no one really knew me to begin with, only now I'm more.... invisible. Those that do know me don't take the time to call, write, email or text me, trying hard to forget my number... you know, out of sight out of mind...... I slurp down another drink of the precious water and think to myself where do homeless persons go for a spirit renewing cold drink of aqua...speaking of water where and when do they shower? I shuddered...just then I catch a glimpse of a pair of long lovely tan young legs in short shorts strolling down the sweltering concrete boulevard that makes up the main walkway of the park. Did I say lovely...she was about twenty five, wearing sunglasses and a halter top and those shorts... all I could think of was a line from Toy Story... "I'm a married spud. I'm a married spud..." besides I was twice her age.. and don't forget... down and out...Man, that long cool woman had it all...."I'm a married spud. I'm a married spud..." As Legs strolls out of sight I gather myself up and start my last jaunt around the park...

The park is a great place to walk. Small by Central Park standards but I don't think I have ever seen another city park of that magnitude, although there are others like Golden Gate park. This is still a very generous park consisting of multiple acres with four small lakes, a rec center, two utility class rooms buildings, a refreshment stand (only for special events) a large open air gazebo with picnic tables that can be reserved for private parties and such. An oval track runs round the perimeter of the main lake. You can fish in any of the lakes but there is no swimming or wading allowed. Behind the refreshment pavillion is a memorial to MIA and POW military. There is an abundance of wildlife like birds, fish, rabbits, occassionally a Snowy Egret, squirrels, and of course... ducks, a multitude of ducks, or is it a horde? I think I touched on the ducks in an earlier post...

The ducks are always hungry and rush to greet you as you approach the "lake", seeming to be indignant to learn you are not carrying the familiar small plastic bread wrapper which contains the "manna" that makes up a large part of their diet. QUACK! QUACK! As though they are exclaiming "I got up for nothing!".

The park has plenty of shade trees, a playground for the kids, lots of room for for volleyball, badminton or even soccer, but most importantly, it has public bathrooms. Don't let yourself get caught at the wrong end of the park when that ol familiar urge comes calling or you'll be making like the novel "One thousand yards to the outhouse by Willie Makeit" People walk their dogs at the park all the time but one thing you do not see at the park is cats... or frogs! Not even after dusk have I ever seen so much as a single toad... Don't know why but that bothers me...wonder if they all "croaked" sorry but I'm sure you could see that coming...

I round the turn and head back towards my neighborhood all the while thinking about what I will do for groceries and where will I get my walk once I no longer reside in the neighborhood....cest la vie... I can't think about that today, I'll think about it tomorrow.... Life is not a picnic but for now, I'm just ducky...

Qui, moi?

I have from time to time been accused of being different. My usual reply is "Qui, moi?" its French meaning Who, me? ... Ok i'll grant you my life has been somewhat abnormal. I grew up a military dependent, I believe the more affectionate term is military brat. Yes we traveled and moved a lot. By the time I went off to college I had attended 20 something different schools, I cannot count the number of friends known and lost along the way, The insecurity of impermanence and the constant sorrow of loss. But hey, you learn to adapt and survive, a little twisted maybe. You learn about, see and experience much or more of the world than most people ever will and usually by a very early age. All of it having contributed to who I am. Who am I? This may give you a little insight:

Have you ever been to visit with the Great Buddha at Kamakura, watched shooting stars from the deck of a cabin cruiser in the Gulf of Mexico or enjoyed the view from a hot tub on the porch of a cabin in the rocky mountains, or been mesmerized by the "Northern Lights" from a hot springs in Alaska, hiked the Adirondacks, had a pepperoni and mushroom in Mystic, explored Mesa Verde, gone prospecting at Crater of Diamonds State Park, been skating at an ice rink near the base of Mt Fuji, deep sea fishing out of Baja, meandering through the majestic redwood trees at Muir Woods, eaten crabs at Fisherman's Wharf, been sightseeing at the Alamo, walked the length of 7th Ave in Manhattan, read a novel by Michael Crichton, been spelunking at Carlsbad Caverns, panned for gold along the Chena river near Fairbanks, gone on a walkabout at Acoma Pueblo, spent time with the elephants at the San Diego Zoo, photographed the Cheetas at Fossil Rim, been to the top of the Statue of Liberty, the Empire State Bldg and the World Trade Center or sampled crawfish at the festival in Louisiana (I would have said LA but some of you think that's Los Angeles, lower Alabama or Los Alamos) or learned to do scrollsaw for an egyptian diorama project, created a crop circle in a Mississippi corn field, or been to Epcot? Well, that's just a glimpse, I could tell you things like my love for music, I've worked in radio, love to read and write, have a background in computer technology, enjoy photography, worked for a while in a photo lab, like to saltwater fish, love the outdoors ...AND...love to laugh. Whether its a long drawn out humorous story like The Episode of Siberian Peach Pie or just a stupid joke such as the following; What does a smashed grape say? Nothing, he just lets out a little wine.... told ya it was stupid...nothing like a little humor and that was damn sure nothing like it.

Marriage has found me twice The first time I was very young and the whole episode reminds me of Chernobyl. It could have happened again... But.. I saw myself as being incapable of giving her the life she deserved and so i stepped out of the picture, as I believed she wound up with the "right guy"... Today...my life...well let's just say it's a life of convenience and necessity.

You can find me and the wife in Texas... not that I want to be here, like the old joke goes "If I owned Hell and Texas both I'd sooner live in Hell and rent out Texas". Boy Howdy! If you have been reading my blog you will instantly know that I long for a life on the beach... or maybe the mountains...or even better mountains overlooking the beach...yeah that's the ticket! I always have a computer nearby, (terminal geek) a novel or technical manual next to the computer and music blaring from somewhere. I am trying to re-invent myself to earn a living as a web designer and social network marketing specialist and I also specialize in multimedia. When not sitting at the computer (that'll be the day) you'll find me out walking... not that it seems to be doing any good but its deemed necessary... I'm a diabetic with high blood pressure and heart disease. I had open heart surgery for a quadruple bypass in Dec 09...like I told my sis, "I don't know what I was thinking...I'll never ever let them do it again" and I suspect they will want to.

With few people left in my life I get to indulge in my natural state of existence which is by definition a "loner". I don't hate people, I just can't stand most of them...The modern term "loner" is usually used with a negative connotation in the simplistic belief that human beings are social creatures and those that do not participate are deviant...yeah that's me DEVIANT... In popular culture, however, there is a certain romanticism in the idea of the loner since he or she is seen as special and unique. Has anyone ever told you that "you're special". So I ask you do you ride the special bus? Are you "different"? Celebrate in being unique!

Beach combing the MS Gulfcoast

Beach combing...I make my morning walk along the sandy beach listening to the waves lap at the shore all the while keeping an eye out for some small treasure to adopt and take home with me. I've done this most of my life and always found something of interest to explore everytime I survey the water's edge scrutinizing the flotsam and jetsam along the way....But...today was different..something special.... if it were not for the gulls dive bombing for something in the foamy surf I may have missed it.. There was no way of telling how long it had been there OR how it got there...but i was amused to have found it none the less. It was very different from anything I had found before...believe me I have found many things along the tidewater's edge, sand dollars, shells, hermit crabs, coins, fishing rod and reel, radio, pail and shovel, sunglasses, suntan oil and sunscreen, umbrella, ring, watch, driftwood, the usual sea creatures, some alive some dead...eating implements and drink containers including cups, mugs and glasses...Once I even found an unused condom still in its wrapper, hmmm, wonder how that worked out ..stranger still, a collapseable portable john, and once what appeared to be a trap door with the door frame...Still this was different...if you have ever fished along the Gulf Coast, you know that all manner of things wash up and get pulled up. Once I was trying to reel in something with a lot of fight after a couple of minutes the fight was gone but I still had something heavy on the line, Once I got it topside I discovered I had just caught the swim ladder off of the backend of someone's boat...large boat at that, wonder how long that's been down there, wonder if they want it back......wonder how long before the next person finds it.....wonder if the boat is down there as well.....

Realizing that ol Sol is trying to do a number on my exposed skin and feeling parched with thirst I snatch up the salt encrusted trophy and make a beeline for the nearest spot to slake my thirst. Something cold, sweet and full of citrus should do the trick. As I gaze across the horizon at the puffy white clouds spotting the deep blue sky and contemplate going for shrimp, I decide its time to dicover more about the item I pulled from the briny surf. Just then a gorgeous young lady walks by and exclaims "Oh how neat, where did you get that" whereupon I tell her about how I beach comb most every day. She examines it closely and says "What's that inside" ... I don't know" I said. "I was just about to open it when you walked up." She introduced herself and handed me some sunscreen and told me I was beginning to turn a little red. I offered her a cold beverage and we decided to seek out some shade and investigate the item in question....

Relaxing in the shade on the white sand, I handed the thing to her and asked if she would like to do the honors ... "What is it?" she asked, "I don't really know" I replied. It looked like some sort of bottle shaped crock made of carnival glass and crockery, very colorful and oddly shaped. The top was encased in some sort of rubbery substance and beneath that was a coating of wax....strange indeed. Etched in the bottom was the number 42..."the answer to life, the universe and everything" I thought but I was to discover that it would actually get weirder. "Here goes..." she said and proceeded to remove the exterior coating and open the mysterious container. The top finally came off with a pop like it had been sealed for a very long time. Inside was something that was to change my life forever...my spine tingled as we removed the contents. The brochure was like new, it said "Visit the Mississippi Gulf Coast" and showed some great pictures of the beach, seafood, boats, casinos, and various other events and landmarks of interest along highway 98 on the coast and on the back it said "Book your stay now at the Beau Rivage Hotel and Casino. With this was a matchbook, old and faded, the cover said "You to can walk with Him, talk with Him and quite frankly get stinking rich with Him"...on the inside it continued "Enroll now in the (close cover before striking) School of Ministry and Heavy Machinery and become the True light of the World...across this someone had scrawled "Play the wheel", attached to the matcbook with a plastic clip was a chip from the Beau Rivage Casino and a twenty dollar bill, the bill however was from the future... we looked at each other astonished and decided to make our way to the casino.

Once inside the casino we went over to the roulette wheel. "What number" she asked and I reminded her of the number forty-two etched into the container bottom... we placed the chip on #42 and the man spun the wheel... it spun rather fast and then the little white marble popped in to the bowl of numbers, bouncing every time it touched the wheel.... and then, ......................... then I woke up.

Depression is a treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop-offs at tedium and counter productivity.”

I don't need a reason to kill myself, I need a reason not to. I could die at any moment, the tragedy is that I don't.

Get your attention? Sad statement ain't it.. yet millions of people everyday feel just like this. Many go unnoticed others struggle daily, but depression is so insidious, and it compounds daily, that it's impossible to ever see the end. The fog is like a cage without a key. I know, I'm one of them... I have been misunderstood, misdiagnosed and misaligned by many for a long time now. In many cases such as my own, it CAN be better yet it never goes away... and no, I am not going to kill myself...I don't have the intestinal fortitude to do such, I do however relate to much of the following borrowed lines:

I will be erased from history, like a traitor in the Soviet Union because with every day that goes by, I feel myself becoming more and more invisible...

I have lost my identity. I am just a bunch of molecules roaming the earth. I look at happy people and feel detached. Where did "I" go. Who am I. Will this despair ever end. Will I ever be a person again.

The fog just gets thicker, the hole of despair just gets deeper, the long tunnel of futility just gets darker, the... well you get the idea...or maybe you don't. So many mean well and try to offer encouragement, yet nothing you have to say helps. Many think of depressed persons as "you are just feeling sorry for yourself" or have problems with being lazy or weak minded. But it's a real problem and nothing to (achoo) "sneeze" at. So not knowing or understanding or trying you ignore it and look away... THAT could be a fatal mistake... unfortunately I have seen it happen. What's sad is the people who succumb to their despair and depression usually leave clues or reach out and are ignored...Why? Everyone always says "If only we had known" but the truth is that usually for most people its an inconvenience or too much trouble to "get involved" or be part of the solution. I've never understood why(supposedly), its so much easier to help after the fact than before. If we had only known. Ok, so someone paints you a Birmingham or gives you a copy of "Depression for Dummies" what now?

I recently wrote the following to a friend:

Life has been a real struggle for the last 5 or 6 years. I never expected to wind up at such a low point. I had open heart surgery for a quad bypass back in December in Birmingham...I went (alone) to Alabama to take a radio job. That was just before Thanksgiving...came down with a monster sinus infection and doctor visit results in discovery of extremely high blood pressure, blood sugar (I've been diabetic for a long time)...make a long story short they sent me to Birmingham for a heart cath on Mon Dec 14, wound up keeping me at the hospital there and had the surgery that Friday...protracted recovery..tried to go back to work at radio station only to discover owner had quit making payroll and health insurance was invalid....c'est la vie...

Back to Texas with wife, 7 months now...deeply in debt (half mill+) no job, no insurance, no money, no meds, no doctor, no prospects..no kidding... I know I am depressed and need help. Despair is very easy to give into. Money or better a job will help a lot....give me back a sense of purpose...and allow me to seek medical and other assistance that i really need. For now I know I can't do or control much, but I try desperately to see humor in everything...it helps a little and if I can make someone else smile, I will too. First thing I thought when I saw your mom's quote was "Hey, I try to git a hold of myself everyday, but I can't say that, it makes me sound like a pervert...hmmm..mea culpa??? Lol

I have to let a lot of things go and that in itself can be another source for hopelessness but I think its the only way I am going to climb my way out. You know what they say "if you find yourself in a deep hole, STOP DIGGING"...

Being able to author this is my way of reaching out and is therapeutic. Will things get better or even worse? Unfortunately I am not a fortune teller ( Gypsy maybe, fortune teller no). But it all starts with people taking action not just giving "words of encouragement". If you know someone that is down on their luck ASK YOURSELF "can I help in someway". For many that may not be an option, for many others its a matter of choice but what if you were in that situation? So overwhelmed with despair, debt, depression and disillusionment, for me the road back is money and even better a job, "a job will help a lot....give me back a sense of purpose...and allow me to seek medical and other assistance that i really need."

Normally I like to write in a humorous tone but not so today. Many will choose not to read a serious post because they consider depression and despair a personal problem. Many won't read it because it's just...


.................................."too depressing"