Get your attention? Sad statement ain't it.. yet millions of people everyday feel just like this. Many go unnoticed others struggle daily, but depression is so insidious, and it compounds daily, that it's impossible to ever see the end. The fog is like a cage without a key. I know, I'm one of them... I have been misunderstood, misdiagnosed and misaligned by many for a long time now. In many cases such as my own, it CAN be better yet it never goes away... and no, I am not going to kill myself...I don't have the intestinal fortitude to do such, I do however relate to much of the following borrowed lines:
I will be erased from history, like a traitor in the Soviet Union because with every day that goes by, I feel myself becoming more and more invisible...
I have lost my identity. I am just a bunch of molecules roaming the earth. I look at happy people and feel detached. Where did "I" go. Who am I. Will this despair ever end. Will I ever be a person again.
The fog just gets thicker, the hole of despair just gets deeper, the long tunnel of futility just gets darker, the... well you get the idea...or maybe you don't. So many mean well and try to offer encouragement, yet nothing you have to say helps. Many think of depressed persons as "you are just feeling sorry for yourself" or have problems with being lazy or weak minded. But it's a real problem and nothing to (achoo) "sneeze" at. So not knowing or understanding or trying you ignore it and look away... THAT could be a fatal mistake... unfortunately I have seen it happen. What's sad is the people who succumb to their despair and depression usually leave clues or reach out and are ignored...Why? Everyone always says "If only we had known" but the truth is that usually for most people its an inconvenience or too much trouble to "get involved" or be part of the solution. I've never understood why(supposedly), its so much easier to help after the fact than before. If we had only known. Ok, so someone paints you a Birmingham or gives you a copy of "Depression for Dummies" what now?
I recently wrote the following to a friend:
Life has been a real struggle for the last 5 or 6 years. I never expected to wind up at such a low point. I had open heart surgery for a quad bypass back in December in Birmingham...I went (alone) to Alabama to take a radio job. That was just before Thanksgiving...came down with a monster sinus infection and doctor visit results in discovery of extremely high blood pressure, blood sugar (I've been diabetic for a long time)...make a long story short they sent me to Birmingham for a heart cath on Mon Dec 14, wound up keeping me at the hospital there and had the surgery that Friday...protracted recovery..tried to go back to work at radio station only to discover owner had quit making payroll and health insurance was invalid....c'est la vie...
Back to Texas with wife, 7 months now...deeply in debt (half mill+) no job, no insurance, no money, no meds, no doctor, no prospects..no kidding... I know I am depressed and need help. Despair is very easy to give into. Money or better a job will help a lot....give me back a sense of purpose...and allow me to seek medical and other assistance that i really need. For now I know I can't do or control much, but I try desperately to see humor in everything...it helps a little and if I can make someone else smile, I will too. First thing I thought when I saw your mom's quote was "Hey, I try to git a hold of myself everyday, but I can't say that, it makes me sound like a pervert...hmmm..mea culpa??? Lol
I have to let a lot of things go and that in itself can be another source for hopelessness but I think its the only way I am going to climb my way out. You know what they say "if you find yourself in a deep hole, STOP DIGGING"...
Being able to author this is my way of reaching out and is therapeutic. Will things get better or even worse? Unfortunately I am not a fortune teller ( Gypsy maybe, fortune teller no). But it all starts with people taking action not just giving "words of encouragement". If you know someone that is down on their luck ASK YOURSELF "can I help in someway". For many that may not be an option, for many others its a matter of choice but what if you were in that situation? So overwhelmed with despair, debt, depression and disillusionment, for me the road back is money and even better a job, "a job will help a lot....give me back a sense of purpose...and allow me to seek medical and other assistance that i really need."
Normally I like to write in a humorous tone but not so today. Many will choose not to read a serious post because they consider depression and despair a personal problem. Many won't read it because it's just...
.................................."too depressing"
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